Monday, October 20, 2003

Vanity and Introspection

Does my last post sound vain to you?

Does my being worried about my last post being vain sound vain to you? Well, this blog is a vanity site after all.

"Vanity, vanity, all is vanity,' thus saith Kohelet"

As an aside: Well, you learn something new each day: Ecclesiastes was an attempt to translate the name Kohelet into Latin. Though I've known for a few years now that Ecclesiastes and Kohelet are the same thing, for years I thought Ecclesiastes was some New Testament book. For those of you who's browsers didn't choke on my birthday message to my sister, Kohelet is קהלת. If displayed right, the character with the descending mark should be all the way on the right. If it's on the left, you browser doesn't automatically switch directions.

It's weird mixing English and Hebrew on this computer. The computer does the Right Thing, it's just hard to get used to. The arrow keys still move left and right, but because Hebrew is read right-to-left, the backspace and delete keys change directions. It's a little disorienting.

Well that was two asides. Now back to the post.

But I've been worried about my behavior. I've let a friendship fall by the wayside. HJ asked me to go to a party last December. There would be nice girls there, he said. I said yes. I then panicked the day of and didn't go. Why did I panic? Vanity. I was irrationally worried about how I'd look at the semi-formal party that it was supposed to be. Since then, I've sent a couple emails to HJ. He asked me why I didn't go in his last message. I've never responded. Even with other friends I'm late frequently, or flake out and not show, though that's rare. And to my credit, most of the times don't show aren't because I panic, but I screwed up and locked my self out or overslept or what have you. But whatever the cause, the result is the same, and I'm not happy with that.

A cousin of mine called yesterday to remind me I was to meet her and her nuclear family (husband, wife, and 2.45 kids if you count the dog has a half-child). "I don't want you to think I'm insinuating that you're absent-minded," she said (I may be inadvertently paraphrasing). "That's okay. I am absent-minded."

Z says I should try some new drug. I have mixed feelings about it, but am frankly ready to concede. I'm willing to try if it'll mean improvement, though I'm a bit disheartened at the prospect of being tied to some drug for the rest of my functional existence.

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